Woody Allen Selected quotes
1. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
2. I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
3. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
4. To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
5. I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
6. In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
7. In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
8. My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.
9. The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
10. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
11. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
12. The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
13. Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.
14. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
15. Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
16. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
17. I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
18. Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
19. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
20. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
21. I’m not a drinker, my body won’t tolerate…eh…spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
22. Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
23. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
24. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
25. I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
26. Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
27. If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
28. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
29. If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
30. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
31. The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.